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| "Since when are you allowed to withhold information?!"
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| [....blah blah blah...]
|
|
V
"Why are you suddenly able to do that with her and not me?"
"See, this is why I don't like telling you things like this, because you get all crazy"
"Yeah, I'm crazy, what else is new..."
|
|
| [....blah blah blah...]
|
V
"I think... I think you don't love me anymore. but I'm just kidding" ----->(sorta)
"..."
"..."
"I have to go"
[END super condensed version]
I need something new. I need someone new. Getting hung up on the same goddamn person is stupid. I don't like it. I'm sick of it, but it's in a way become a part of who I am... That girl... I hate being that girl... I don't want it to be me but it always is... I need to move on... I can't. I want to. I need to. I can't. It's too hard. I don't wanna be the back up... I don't wanna be the fall back... I don't wanna be the alternate, the replacement, the safety. I wanna be the first choice, the A team, the grand prize, not the consolation.
Just come back to Nori, Nori will always be there for you. She loves you, she'll always love you. Doesn't work out with some other girl? Nori's here, it'll be ok. Girls don't know how to take care of you? Don't know when to shut up? Don't know how you like it? Don't worry. Nori's here. Nori knows. She might not be the best, but she's always here for you. She loves you, she'll always love you. She'll marry you. She'll have your gorgeous children, cook dinner, and make millions for you to live off. Nori's here. It'll be ok. Nori will be here. Always... always free... because no one wants her... no one wants the crazy girl... no one wants that girl, the girl that's always around... the girl on the threshold of desperation... that girl with the sad eyes... that girl that can be brought to tears if you say the right words... that girl... that girl... that's Nori...
Maybe I don't want that. Maybe that's not how it'll go. Maybe she won't be in love with you forever. Maybe she won't marry you for love. Maybe she'll stop needing you. Maybe it won't matter. Maybe she won't need anyone. Maybe she'll forget. Maybe she'll forget everything. Maybe she'll forget you, forget herself, forget the pain. Maybe then she won't want you. Maybe then she won't need you. Maybe she'll close her eyes and never open them again. Maybe then everyone will miss her. Maybe then she'll be the one playing hardest to get. Maybe then you'll want her.
She won't be there for you anymore.
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| I can't stop dwelling on that night. I can't deny it was my fault. It's often my fault. I feel so messed up inside, like nothing makes sense. I feel like i do things with no purpose in mind, with no regards to the after effects. I wish I could be more secure with myself. I wish that everything didn't bother me so much. I wish that I could be normal.. well, healthy. I dislike myself. I don't know what I'm doing to/with myself half the time and that sucks. I can't stop dwelling on that night. Damn my visual memory... But it's not just the images... The sounds, the feelings... it's embedded in my memory and i wish I could bore it out with a power drill... Now they're going to bed /And my stomach is sick /And it's all in my head /But she's touching his chest now /He takes off her dress now /Letting me go /And I just can't look /It's killing me /And taking control /Jealousy /Turning saints into the sea /Swimming through sick lullabies /Choking on your alibis /But it's just the price I pay.......
cuz I'm a creep, /I'm a weirdo/What the hell am I doin' here?/I don't belong here /I don't care if it hurts, /I wanna have control /I want a perfect body /I want a perfect soul / I want you to notice /when I'm not around/You're so very special /I wish I was special....
I dont know how to let go of that night, those sickening memories. I can ignore them with all my might, I can distract myself, but sooner or later the thoughts will come back and who knows what will happen then. I need help. I'm getting help. Is it working? I dont know. I'm still going to keep doing it. I don't know what else to do. Thought about killing myself. A lot. But I dont think I have the guts to do it. Deep down I suppose I dont really want to end things like that. Or do I? I guess not otherwise I wouldnt be here... But the thoughts are there. I wonder how different a world without me would be. Would anyone notice after a while? Business as usual would resume. Of course. Who do I think I am? God? The world does not bend at my every whim. And if it did, I dont think I would feel this way.
45 minutes doesnt seem like enough time to cover everything. It's not. I only have one session left with Keri and I hope I havent just been wasting time and money. Hopefully things will be good at Brown. I'll meet with someone regularly and hopefully that will help. I need help. I'm not sure how I've mangaged on my own for so long, but somewhere deep down I knew that I wouldnt last long.
No, I'm not the most fucked up person in the world, but my life isnt peachy keen either. Life is fine, head is worse. Head is much worse. Head worries me and everyone around me. Oh well. Time to go.
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| Hi. In case you have yet to figure it out, that last post was NOT written by me. And as a funny favor to David, I'm allowing it to stay put. I'm not entirely sure why I'm on here at the moment. I guess I dont feel like talking to anyone on any sort of instant messenger and there's nothing interesting on facebook, and I dont really feel like sleeping... so here I am.
How do I feel? I felt nauseous earlier, and thank god I didnt need to barf. the past two days have been peppered with all sorts of bad feelings... emotional and physical. I'm very ready to relax on the beach with some sort of tropical fruit smoothie and a hot guy and/or a nice book.
I had a fun time with David all day today. He wasn't here all day, he left and came back. But we had fun... all kinds of fun... And yeah, it made me miss what we had, but the more I think about it, the more I'm able to comfort myself. I need to be rational and stay rational, no matter what my silly girly mind wants me to believe. I know that David is and has been wonderful, and he is the best I've ever had, in many different fields (so far). My irrational thought is that I'll never find someone as good as he is/was or better, or no one will ever get me the way he does etc etc etc. The thought that then follows that one close by is that if I've made a big mistake in letting David go, some other lucky little Filipina girl will snatch him up by the time I realize anything. And of course the rational thoughts to go with the irrationality would be that there's plenty more fish in the sea, David is great and he deserves someone great and someone great deserves him, I'll find someone for me...
I'm apprehensive about meeting new people to a certain extent. Sometimes I wonder if I only know how to act three ways when it comes to guys. First, the completely uninterested, but kind friend. Second, the flirtatious, whoreable, and cruel seductress. And lastly, but perhaps most importantly, the sweet, nicey-nice, loyal, honest girlfriend. I really dont want to be that second one anymore. I dont want to be known as the whore AND the nudist! No, I want to have my fun but still... find someone serious along the way. I cant imagine how anyone is able to trust me to be 100% monogamous in a serious relationship if they knew how I treated boys in the past. And yeah, of course I feel that I am a good girlfriend! I'm kind and generous and loving and caring and thoughtful and honest and trusting and trustworthy! And when I get serious about someone I GET SERIOUS. It's a miracle Mitchell and David stuck around so long. I wouldnt be able to trust me. I had issues trusting David for less... Maybe it wasnt mistrust, but just doubt. Is that the same thing? /sigh i dont know. I hate to think of myself as a jealous girlfriend, but it is true that I couldn't bear the jealousy any longer... I wanted him to choose between her and me, but instead I made the choice for him. Would he have chosen me? I dont think i wanted to know. I guess it must be better to reject yourself in advance than to subject yourself to the real thing later on... Well, at least I know that i'm not the worst of jealous girlfriends in the world.
Maybe it's like they say... there's always someone better than you, and there's always someone worse.
Good Night World...
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| I think, therefore I am. Or, I sex, therefore I am a Nori. Today David came over (my face, but we won't talk about that) and people were home, and they didn't seem to mind me running around with no shirt on. I guess they've accepted that I'll come when I'm called, or licked  , at least when David's doin' the deed.
Anyways, so David came over and he just wouldn't shut up about this girl he went out with last night. The problem wasn't how good it was, but just how much of a loser he is that he couldn't get any. So, I had to hear about it all afternoon. Eventually, I took him to the pool to try and drown him, but I took off his shirt and realized I love Rocky! After swimming he was blabbering again, so I fed him some spicy caesar and managed to move the conversation to writing and the horrors it does to my nails. Kyla couldn't stop giving him tips on how to abuse women (Edit: Kyla used to work for the partnership to end domestic violence)
Now, what to do? Just watched batman begins and I realized my butt doesn't fit on the couch anymore. Time for a sexy lover exercise routine. I guess that's the problem with being single: no high-protein shakes every morning (it doesn't always get on my face) and fewer sit-ups (dalton just doesn't work my core  ). Speaking of which, I'm going to maui and I hear the octopussies are hot. Lesbian love just doesn't have the same workout factor as good old-fashioned doggy style. I guess i'm doomed to straddle the best of both worlds.
On a more satisfying subject-- Brown is telling me to buy more sex toys! It's true, I swear! first off, I like safe sex. I don't want any surprises until I'm well into retirement. So, I was googling dental dams, and the first result was a page on Brown's website about those flimsy face-shields. A little digging revealed that Brown is a forward thinking institution that supports buying whips, handcuffs, dildos, and vibrators. They also believe in eradicating the myth that only gays and lesbians buy sex toys.
Well, it was fun, and now I have to post this before the government arrives with their censors..... Wahh! the tazers sting!!! adsifkjann
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| i broke up with david. he took it well at first and then of course 5 minutes later when I was gone he burst into tears. Making people cry makes me feel so bad... I felt like the bad guy, but I know I didn't do anything wrong... It wasnt really my fault. Maybe part of it, but not the vast majority. wtf? What am I supposed to do? Did I do the right thing? I think I did... Here's the short version of what happened: I let him go on a friend date with a girl, Chico. I helped him plan everything a week in advance so that he wouldnt do anything that would piss me off. I also helped him do so in a way that would preserve his possibility of having a more than friends relationship with her in the future. This did not bother me. At the time.
My one week notice about his dates or hang outs with Chico shrank to a 2 day notice, then a same-day notice. This bothered me, though I was not worried about David cheating. Long story short, I find her threatening because she is attractive, and David is attracted to her and has told me so.
Through observing his interactions (and motives behind them) with Chico, uncertainties about our relationship develop. I began to wonder if he was simply biding his time with me until he could go after Chico.
Today, err yesterday since its past midnight, we were hanging out when he got a call from his neighbor.
During this phone conversation he gives an enthusiastic "YES!" and laughter. When i inquire what he is so happy abt, he tells me his neighbor will be gone from Aug 3-11 and i say, "ok... but i'll be in hawaii for most of those days..."
to which he replies, "I know, I meant Chico" and that upset me very much bc he was more excited abt getting to be alone with her more than i can ever remember seeing him be excited abt me and im the one supposed to be his gf, right?
anyways, im upset. we have a loooooong talk about my uncertainties about our relationship and he cant think of a way to convince me that he's not playing me other than to tell me he loves me. which i knoe but it doesnt exactly help anything. then i start crying and he makes this joke about me crying.. like "oh here they come!" like its the moment we've all been waiting for.
im annoyed so i push him away and tell him "lets go" bc we were supposed to be going to the pool. he swims while i think and read a book. then we walk awkwardly home and stop in front of my house to talk. i told him if he wants to be with chico, fine, do so. if he wants to be with me, ok, but he cant have both. i knew i wanted to break up with him, but i couldnt spit it out. after a bit of conversation he says to me "if u wanna break up w/ me its ok, i wont be offended" i cry and tell him its hard but eventually i say that i still want to be his best friend but i dont think i can be his gf anymore. and then it was over. now i feel bad abt it. i hate making ppl cry but i just... i couldnt take it anymore. the questions, the uncertainty, the jealousy... it was too much! and if hes more excited to be with Chico than me then why am I wasting his time? That was the short version i swear.
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